Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
