YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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