I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
