Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
pop tarts are not kleenex
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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