every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
