I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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