i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was born a porn star she said
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
