I just pynch a tree in the face
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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