i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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