Jerry, you need to find god
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
