Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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