hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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