mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
