I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
