There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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