you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
