Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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