Apparently you make a good broom.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
