How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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