sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
