and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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