I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
