come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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