my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
