I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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