doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
