My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
