I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
