Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
