That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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