My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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