Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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