You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
