How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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