Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
