You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
