id be glad to
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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