No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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