You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
