So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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