What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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