I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
it's like heaven, but drunker
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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