i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
