Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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