remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
