I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Girls should come with a carfax report
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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