I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
