Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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