he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
