the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We were destined to go to rehab together
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
