They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
