i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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