just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
