i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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