I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
